There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
