do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
