dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
