My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
