While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
