I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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