I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
