Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
