Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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