i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize