you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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