Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
