So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
