at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Randomize
