once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
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Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
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