hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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