Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
