i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
