You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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