Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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