i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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