I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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