mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
