I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
