Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I forgot how hot balto sounded
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
