My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I love having hate sex.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
