Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
