This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
