i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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