just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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