my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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