what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I know her cup size but not her name....
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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