do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
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I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
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Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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