I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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