shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
