I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
