my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
