yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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