i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
