I just saw a hot homeless man
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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