Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
