just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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