around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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