There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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