I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
