sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
