i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
