I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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