12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
