are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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