i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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