Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
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I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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