People in love make me want to vomit
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
