the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
